jana's three dresses

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

How will you wait for Him today?

Welcome Holy Sabbath. May I seek rest and remembrance today. Amen

newly purposed,

jana

Tender sleep after a full day’s work. 

The phone rings.

Clock says 11pm.

Strange and unusual for a call to come in so late.

My dad on the other end of the line.

“Jana, your brother has died.”

On my knees, phone to ear, screaming, “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?”.

My body begins to tremble, my teeth chatter as if I am chilled.

Shock. Sets. In.

Rocking back and forth on my knees on the floor of my bedroom, I ask, “Why? Why? Why?”.

So begins my journey into darkness. Into the unknown of grief. I have never done this before. I have never lost so big. My brother was my delight. I, his big sister, his protector, his shield, his fan. I couldn’t protect him now. I am now alone in this world, carrying shared memories of a lost childhood. Who will remember with me?

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transparent | having the property of transmitting rays of light through its substance so that bodies situated beyond or behind can be distinctly seen; admitting the passage of light through interstices; so sheer as to permit light to pass through; diaphanous; easily seen through, recognized, or detected.

I have been considering the meaning of this word – transparent –  for some time now. I wrote in my purpose statement for jana’s three dresses that I aim to be transparent with you reader. That we all have a story and I am here to tell mine. It is my belief and hope that God will speak to you as I share my journey.

However, I am finding that being completely transparent with you is harder than I thought it would be. I have stood up in front of several women’s groups and shared my personal story of pain and redemption. They have been deeply moved by what I have said. I know God has taken what was once is still broken, and newly purposed me for His glory.

I believe he wants me to continue sharing my story. You won’t fully understand my words and the insights I share at jana’s three dresses unless you know the details of my grief and my loss. My fear is that in telling my story, I will come across as self-glorifying, when all I want to do is glorify Christ – the one who saved me.

I am not seeking pity, just understanding. You need to know my story so that it can more fully impact yours. I know it is a coined phrase, but God really does take the bad and use it for good. And all along, I have firmly believed that he was taking me through all of my loss and pain so that He would be glorified in the end.

October 29, 2012 will mark 10 years since my only sibling, my brother Corry died – suddenly and tragically.

He was 25.

At the time of his death, I was in the NE, my father was in the remote hills of the south, and my mother was in the SW leading a conference.

It would be two days until all of us could find our way to one another.

My life as I knew it ended the day Corry died. Part of me died too. I loved Corry more than I thought possible. We were deeply connected.

As his older sister, it was my job to protect him. I was the last person who spoke with him, just two days before he died. 

Three days later I was meeting my parents at the airport. I had flown in during the night. My dad had gone to pick up my mom from her conference. Mom could barely stand up – my father had to hold her. She appeared to have aged 10 years.

The last time the four of us were together as a family was at my wedding , just four months prior. Corry had been with all of us – extended family and friends. Now four months later we were planning his funeral.

Numbness was settling in.

My parents and I became the bearers of “the news”. We had to pick up Corry’s fiancé at the airport the next day, make phone calls to family and friends. The most difficult was my Grandmother. A violinist, she had driven my brother to countless cello lessons and symphony concerts. She and Corry had a tight bond. We held her up too.

All the family and friends who had gathered for my wedding were now back. We were all in shock and disbelief. How could this have happened?

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This event was the beginning of a spiritual revolution that has taken place in my life over the past ten years. It is nothing short of a miracle that I can firmly stand on the promises of God today believing in Him and His truths. For nearly 5 years after my brother’s death, I struggled to pray, journal, sing in church, and read my Bible without feeling doubt, anger, fear, and rage – “Did any of it really matter? Was God really there? Did he care? Why did he let Corry die?”.

For a long time, I just gave up altogether. But, by God’s divine grace and mercy, he found me in the darkness and brought me up out the pit and into His light.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD. (Psalm 40:1-3)

I aim to be transparent and live authentically with you reader through this blog. God has asked me to share my story with you. I am obeying his promptings and praying He will meet you where you are – where you need Him today.

newly purposed,

jana

I long to sit down with you and shed some light on other corners of my life. Every facet makes up who I am, and in an effort to meet one the purposes of jana’s three dresses, I aim to live authentically and be more transparent with you, reader.

So, I thought I could start out by having some fun and letting you know some facts about me.

1. I was a band geek. Yep, I played the flute and piccolo. I even did marching band. I actually liked band camp. Some of my best high school memories.

2. I was on the Flag Corp in Junior High.  I thought twirling big flags while marching in the band was super cool.

3. I lived in Costa Rica for three years with my family from the ages of 9 to 12. We were missionaries with ALFALIT and UMCOR.

4. I speak Spanish fluently.

5. My favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. Oh, who am I kidding? I am an ice cream fanatic and will try almost any flavor.

6. I have a 3-year-old Golden Retriever named Daisy, whom I adore. Sweetest dog ever!

7. I recently began indoor rock wall climbing. And love it! I am about to turn 38 and I am in the best shape of my life.

8. When my boys were 6 months and 2.5 years old, our family moved to Belgium to live for three years.  I speak “un petite” of French.

9. I much prefer taking long road trips over flying. I am a wimp on take-offs. The irony is that my husband is a pilot.

10. In my former life (pre-kids and stay-at-home-mom stint), I was a Advanced Nurse Practitioner specializing in Women’s Health. I am still licensed and certified. But, I will need a good refresher course before jumping back into it again…if, I jump back into it again.

11. Until May 2012, I have only followed and read {sporadically} one blog. I was barely even aware the online community.

12. My childhood dream was to sing and dance on Broadway.

13. My husband asked me out of our first date in an elevator leaving coffee hour at church. I was trapped! How could I say no?

14. Right after my husband asked me out, I went home, called the guy I was dating (who lived 3,200 miles away), and broke up with him…for the second time.

15. My favorite childhood memories include board games, popcorn, late nights around the kitchen table, and long conversations about everything under the sun.

These are a few things that make up my life story. I am so thankful for all of the memories and experiences. Every day is an adventure and I am filled with anticipation of where He is taking me next.

newly purposed,

jana

My favorite type of furniture, is re-purposed {newly purposed} furniture.  I dream of one day owning a repurposed barn door dining room table.  I love the imperfections of the piece.  I love the story it tells. I love that I can really use it and not worry about scratching it or the kids messing it up.  It is beautiful just the way it is, scratches and all.

That is Us. Me. You.

When we die to ourselves and become a new life in Christ, we are {newly purposed} not by our own doing but by Christ himself. For me, I can honestly say he gave me Life after Death. He brought me from the pit of darkness to light.

I sign off each of my posts {newly purposed, jana} because I find such peace, joy, and utter amazement in that personal statement of faith.  I still have the nicks, scratches, dents, and uneven legs of my past, but I have been given unending TLC by the re-Creator Himself.  He has {newly purposed} me for His Glory, not my own.

We are moving in less than two weeks. All of our furniture and household items will be loaded into a truck and arrive at our new location just 24 hours later. I enjoy placing furniture in a new space, rearranging artwork, or trying a new pairing of colors or furniture pieces. It gives me a chance to personalize our house making it our home. In a way, all of our household furnishings and decor will be {newly purposed}.

Our lives are kind of like that.

Something happens, good {birth, new job, marriage} or bad {death, divorce, financial loss}, and we have to make a change. Our lives now need to work around that “thing” – adapting, adjusting, learning new habits or changing old ones.

Christ is the ultimate interior decorator. He is able to use that event or in some cases series of events, whether good or bad, and re-purpose them for His glory. He changes our souls, minds and hearts, if we let him, newly purposing us for this life.

One of the missions of jana’s three dresses is to help other women change the filter through which they perceive their world.  To see road-blocks and inconveniences as opportunities for personal growth and spiritual renewal.

When you look around your home and see the {newly purposed} furniture, let it be a reminder to you that you are beautiful just the way you are. Embrace your nicks, scratches, dents and wobbly legs. Believe that Christ will newly purpose you, if you allow him, for His glory.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

newly purposed,

jana

I enjoy photographing

doorways.

Their curves. Their lines. Their raw material and design.  The more worn and weathered the door the better.  If I were to participate in a TV game show where I had to choose one of three doors, I would likely need the entire commercial break to make my choice.  I am not sure what it is about doors and doorways.  Maybe the anticipation of what’s behind them. Maybe the message they portray about the people, rooms, or passageways found just beyond their entry.

Meandering city streets, alley ways, weathered paths – I find my eyes searching, seeking doors and doorways. It may be a unique contrast of color, a flowering vine framing the entry, an unusual texture of the wood or metal, or a change in the light. Something strikes me, causing me to stop.

I stand still, take in the surroundings, smile. Lifting my camera, I frame the doorway just so, and snap…the image is captured.

My journey through Scripture is similar. I read slowly, breathe in the Spirit, pause for reflection, and ponder, often with a smile on my face.

I look forward to sitting down with my Bible, pen, and journal anticipating what the Holy Spirit will reveal to me.  Often something new. Often something unexpected. Often something bold about Christ, something Divine to be sorted out through prayer and meditation.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

Scripture is living and breathing.  A passage I have read many times all of a sudden has new meaning! A friend reads the same passage and walks away with a completely different perspective.

Two people.

Two lives.

Two distinct applications of the same text.

How does that happen?

I love the mystery of not knowing how He works.  I yield, accepting the Holy Spirit’s gift.  In response, I thank God for loving me and allowing me to see anew.

Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. I am a sojourner on the earth; hide not your commandments from me! (Psalm 119:18,19)

Your statutes have been my songs in the house of my sojourning. I remember your name in the night, O LORD, and keep your law. This blessing has fallen to me, that I have kept your precepts. (Psalm 119:54-56)

Our personal experience of this life provides each of us with a unique set of lenses through which to understand the Scriptures.  That is what I love so much about this Holy Book. God can use the same Word to touch each of us in distinct ways.  To bring comfort, understanding, hope, redemption, peace, love, joy, and healing.  Even in our dark times, we can find in the Word anguished cries for help, pleading prayers for mercy, and sorrowful petitions of forgiveness.

Just as I seek to discover unique and beautiful doorways, I seek to discover refreshing fountains of truth in Scripture. I meditate on words, phrases, images, and stories that speak to me. I try to be mindful of emotions that are elicited by what I read; the questions that flash across my mind in response; the places in the text where I naturally pause to re-read and reflect. When I do, I find clarity and purpose.

But, I have to choose mindfulness.

Looking. Waiting. Hoping.

Giving thanks for the revelations,

no matter how small or mysterious.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8)

newly purposed,

jana