jana's three dresses

My heart races as I sit down to my computer to write my first post after nearly a month in hiatus. I can’t explain my absence except for that fact that I kept hearing the Lord speak to me the word,

“Silence”

Over the past month, both my writing voice and my actual voice have fallen quiet, insecure and fragile. I am on a new journey. I am not sure exactly what it is or where it will take me. But, I sense that I am entering another place of waiting. And, from what I have learned before, the Lord will meet me there and show me where to go next. My job is to wait and pray with expectation; to rest and be silent – for I will not hear him if I am making or surrounding myself with a lot of noise.

I am reading through a book titled When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd (author of The Secret Life of Bees). Of all places, I found it on the free shelf at our local library. It was published in 1990, yet, despite being over twenty years old, her words are breathing comfort into my soul. I realize I am now on the same journey she describes – a mid-life journey seeking meaning and purpose.

I am entering mid-life. I don’t like it. I am definitely not happy about it. I don’t see myself as a soon-to-be-forty-year-old, yet here I am on the precipice of a new stage. What now? What am I doing with my life? Is this all that there is? These are the questions racing through my head, and they are the same ones Sue writes about.

She shares lessons learned along her journey – lessons of Waiting, Resting, Entering into the dark place. She describes an image of becoming a “cocoon” in order to allow the His Holy Spirit to transform her into her True Self – the self that Christ sees.

Her words are familiar to me and capture the experiences I have had and lessons I have learned. And, I ponder, who is teaching these lessons to the next generation of women?

In my recent silence, as I have been reading through this book, God is reminding me of His first calling on my life – to share my story – to share the lessons I have learned, the wisdom He bore in me during a period of waiting.

But…then, this is where I begin to struggle and shy away from doing just that. Who do I think I am? What could I possibly have to say that hasn’t already been said? Is it egotistical of me to think that my words are of any significance? Who am I serving – myself or God?

I look at the beautiful, uplifting blogs that are out there. They share ideas about parenting, cooking, marriage, and home-decorating. They are happy, colorful, and fun. I am intimidated by it all, and feel that I am just a thorn in everyone’s side reminding them of the darker side of life.

But, here is the honest truth: I wish I could write about things that make everyone feel good and perfect and put-together. I wish that were the voice I had been given. It is more acceptable to write about things that make us comfortable, that feed our egos and materialistic tendencies.

(I am not bashing those blogs, please don’t misunderstand me. I love looking at them and getting insights on great fashion, home decor, and cuisine. The blogs are beautiful and their writers talented.)

I also know this to be true: My words flow freely and easily onto the page when I share personal spiritual struggles and the parts of my life that rub raw against the truths of Scripture. Beneath the squeaky clean spiritual surface of me lies a dark underbelly that is fighting for a chance to breath and bear witness of Christ’s love.

My blog may not be the most popular. I may not generate thousands of followers or start a movement and “go viral”.  And, I may never be able to afford, or decide to allocate, hundreds of dollars to develop a beautiful, new blog design.

I fight fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure.

Yet, God has given me eyes that see the grief and suffering in this world; a mind that questions the status quo; a heart that aches to know more of Him; and a spirit that needs to rest so that He can fill me again.

I will write as I feel led, when words hang on my heart aching to be spoken, and try not to strive for popularity.

newly purposed, 

jana

Laying in bed last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I sensed a deep realization…in the pit of my stomach.

I will never be over the grief of losing my brother. This grief is permanent. Not going away, not in this life anyway.

My mind drifted to the promise of Revelation 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

To have this weight of sadness stripped from my soul, that is quite a promise.

I recently had lunch with a 76 year old woman. She has lived quite a life – one of sadness, loss, pain, and grief. Yet, she lives joyfully in all things and Scripture pours from her tongue. She stands on the promises.

As I spoke with her, it dawned on me that life’s circumstances mount on us. One on top of the other. Joys. Sorrows. Losses. Celebrations. Milestones. Layer upon Layer. Like an oil painting – layer upon layer of paint, varying colors, varying strokes. All necessary to complete the masterpiece.

photo credit

As I listened to her tell her story, I recognized that she lives with the pain that came in her 20′s, the suffering that mounted in her 30′s, the loss she grieved in her 40′s – layer upon layer. Joys, celebrations, blissful moments interwoven with the darker days.

I began to see my life that way. I will never escape this pain. It will always be a layer in my life. And, daily I add layers on top of the grief, but it remains. It cannot be squashed out, or removed. It will not disappear or blend in until it can no longer be recognized. This grief, this sorrow, this sadness is here to stay.

I keep thinking there is going to be this “thing” that overshadows it, that makes it seem less real, that somehow frees me from the pain, once and for all. But, there isn’t going to be.

I must admit, I feel saddened by this realization. Sad that I will continue to bear the feeling of grief. Sad that it will always be here, a part of me.

Sometimes the memories make me smile. Sometimes weep. Sometimes be still and reflect.

Bitter Joy.

That is the identifier that comes to my mind – I will name this juxtaposition of two opposing emotions. Joy and Sorrow.

The memories are joy-filled, yet bitter as they cross my mind. Of memories lost, of moments that will never be, of time passing day upon day when he is no longer a part of my life. I can and do feel joy as moments flash in my mind.

I see wrinkles crossing my face, feel pains in my joints and muscles that are no longer as nimble or flexible,  and cover the gray hairs regularly. All in attempt to fool myself into thinking that time is not passing. Yet, time is passing, and nothing can bring him back.

I guess I am having a hard time accepting that I will carry this sorrow with me to my grave. This sorrow and others as they come.

We don’t move from one moment to the next – wrapping up the last and leaving it behind. They become a part of us interweaving, layer upon layer.

I guess I have understood that in my head. But, now I am beginning to feel it in my heart. I can’t say that I like it. The ache remains. It will never go away.

I can and will experience joy. I have been promised that…

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5,6

However, I am beginning to understand that Joy doesn’t take away or overshadow the sorrow. Somehow, they coexist. God is teaching me how to live with both…at the same time.

newly purposed,

jana

As I am sure you have noticed, it has been rather quiet over here at jana’s three dresses. My life in recent days has been far from quiet, however.

I have begun several drafts for posts with “interesting” titles. However, I can’t seem to finish them. My intent to write begins passionately, then fizzles as I labor over the keys trying to make sense of my thoughts.

I am struggling to find answers to puzzling behavior in my oldest. We are getting some help from a therapist. But, my son’s mood sweeps up and down from moment to moment without warning. His dad and I are trying to figure it all out. The stress is mounting. All I want to do is get through the immediate crises, walk away, take a deep breath, and enjoy the peace before all hell breaks loose again. But, that doesn’t solve the underlying issue…and that is where we are struggling.

I have been called to a task that is big – God-sized. I am honored and humbled to be given this responsibility. But, at times, I feel like Timothy – overwhelmed and immature. I am helping to execute a workshop for Military Spouses that will bring speakers and experts together for a day. We will be sharing stories of grief and suffering, and offering words of hope and encouragement for military spouses.  A much needed balm for a storm that continues to brew with suicide, divorce and PTSD rates continuing to rise. I ask for your prayers for all military spouses and their families as we try our best to navigate these unchartered waters.

This is where my heart and mind are these days.

On the back burner are my plans for a blog redesign and my first e-book.

And soon, I will finish up the half-baked blog posts that lie in wait.

For now, I cling to this verse:

Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. 

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him. (Psalm 37:3-7)

newly purposed,

jana

I find my thoughts reflecting on the perplexing, non-stop drive for perfection.

It is an epidemic in our society. And, I am a victim of it.

On a daily basis, I do battle with an internal voice that seems to find not-stop pleasure in teasing and taunting me and my imperfections.

I learned a long time ago that God isn’t looking for me to be perfect. That in my weakness He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Yet, He is teaching me something new.

He is asking me to acknowledge and embrace the imperfections in myself. When I learn to give myself Grace, I gift Grace onto others more freely.

Increasingly, I find that I have the capacity to Love others boldly and without shame, because I am learning to Love myself boldly and without shame.

In letting go and accepting of His gift of Grace for me, I find…

Freedom.

Freedom from striving, from pushing, from rushing, from exhausting myself in my endless quest for perfection.

Freedom to allow myself to Be with the great I Am of the universe. (Psalm 46:10)

newly purposed,

jana

Does it still count? I wrote this post following the 5 Minute Friday Guidelines on Friday. But, am only now finding the time to post it.

We have had lots of illness in our home over the past week. I am still nursing my youngest back from the flu {a minor strain because we had the flu shots}. But bless his little heart, he still tries to crack jokes and be silly even with a 101+ fever and an occasional trip to hang his head over the toilet. I love that his spirit shines through his ruddy, warm cheeks.

The 5 Minute Friday word last week was DIVE.

Here are the rules:

So, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

OK, are you ready? Please give me your best five minutes on:

DIVE

GO.

You know that moment as you are standing on the diving board. Looking down at the water. No matter how high you are, whether a few feet or ten, there are a bit of nerves at the bottom of your belly anticipating the fall.

Then, you muster up your courage and take the leap. And, for a few seconds, that to me feel like several minutes, you free fall.

No sooner have you left the safety of the diving board, than you are hitting the water with a force that takes a moment to reckon. Shocking it may be if the water is cold. You scramble to find your direction in the water. Instinctively, we know where the surface is, somehow. And, we take a moment to coordinate our limbs, our muscles, our focus and swim to the top, breaking the surface for the cleansing breath.

Falling in love is like that. We take time on the safety of the diving board sharing pieces of ourselves with one another. Than, there comes a time when we take a deep breath, pause and wonder if we should jump. Once we muster the courage to jump, the free fall is the best. A surge of warmth, head-over-heels in love. We free float with one another, not anticipating the shock that is to come.

One day that shock comes.

Marriage can be like that. We marry answering yes to the deep love we feel. But, yet, we one day realize we have only broken the surface. There comes a time when we struggle to find our footing, have to coordinate our hearts and minds, and will ourselves to surface as one.

STOP.

Love that you are a part of the jana’s three dresses community, dear friend.

Happy Monday.

newly purposed,

jana