Change is a comin’…

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I want. I want. I want.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I feel. I feel. I feel.

I. I. I. I. I.

I strike out at my husband, my children, my dog.

This cycle must stop.

It fills be with bitterness, resentment, frustration, anger. I am selfish. I am intolerant. I am unloving.

These self-seeking mantras yield darkness where instead I must demand for Light.

I must change my thoughts.

But. It. Is. So. Hard.

I fight every urge in my body that wants to pursue my own interests, ideas, desires. I fight these urges everyday, feeling resentment when My desires are denied because of other pressing needs.

I keep hearing myself say, “I don’t want to be needed anymore. I am tired. When will I have time to just be?”

I resent being needed. I resent interruptions and uprooting. I resent that I am always the follower. I resent that my dreams and hopes and desires remain on the back burner until a “better time”.

I could stay here, in this place feeling bitter and angry and {let me just say it}…pissed off!

However, I have coped this way before. That road is dark, lonely, twisted, and leads to only greater misery.

So, I must change. I must.

And, I can’t do it on my own. My self would encourage me to stay angry and bitter. To act all of these feelings out.

I will need God’s help for this one.

I know a change is a comin’. How? and When? – I do not know.

Ann Voskamp says the answer is gratitude. Gratitude statements, one at a time, all 1,000 of them. I would have to agree.

The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me. Psalm 50:23

With a freewill offering I will sacrifice to you; I will give thanks to your name, O LORD, for it is good. Psalm 54:6

The still small voice inside of me that wants to be heard, that wants me to pursue The Change says – “Jana, begin by asking, ‘Lord, what now? What do you want me to do, today? Where do you want me to spend my energies, today? Whom do you want me to be needed by, today?’

And then, ‘Thank you, Lord, that I am needed. Thank you, Lord, that I do not live in isolation. Thank you, Lord, for the family you have given me; the friends you have given me; the neighbors and community that you have given me….now at this moment in time. Thank you.'”

That voice…so small, so still….I almost miss it.

That voice…I fight it. I fight hearing it. I don’t want to listen, because if I do, it will mean I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop ranting. Stop being angry.

I admit, it feels good to feel anger and resentment and bitterness. It feels cathartic – like eating chocolate when my emotions are running high; or shopping for things I do not need; or watching mindless television after a long hard day.

Cathartic, in that, I can deflect my feelings, and avoid looking at the dirtiness contained within myself. I can avoid admitting that I am a sinner filled with selfish thoughts and selfish desires. Avoidance feels good. But don’t be fooled. Avoidance and deflection are Satan’s best tactics – misguided, self-serving tactics.

I must examine these questions and speak these gratitude statements. I must. For if I don’t, the darkness will overshadow me once again and Satan will once again seek to destroy all that has been restored.

I must fight the fears and reservations simmering within me.

His ways are not my ways.

He wants me to Love in ways that are not easy for me. To deny myself and take up His cross. Self-love comes easily and feels so much better. To deny myself and allow myself to be needed by others – oh, how this tries me and exhausts me. I am going to be needed in this place, by those closest to me. My cup will be emptied time and time again. I must pursue fullness.

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

purposed for Him,

jana

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6 thoughts on “Change is a comin’…

  1. So, “let me just say it…..” I loved the verse you closed with, Philippians 4:8 and that is the verse that came to mind when I was stumbled by your use of the “p” word in expressing your irritations. I am a stickler for purity of speech and for passing on that purity of words to our children. My question to you, Jana, is: Did the Holy Spirit prompt you to avoid using that word or did you have freedom in His Spirit to use it? All blogs such as yours are subject to accountability. In Him, Barb

    • Hi Barb, It has been my goal with my blog to be authentic and real with my readers. I admit, yesterday was a rant, and I felt lead to express myself that way. I apologize that my word choice offended you. I do agree that my blog is subject to a certain level of accountability. This is one the reasons I enjoy writing for an audience. I need to be reminded to be careful with my word choice. So thank you for that reminder. However, I do make an effort to not over-edit my thoughts so that my true self is showing. Thank you for your comments. Jana

  2. I understand all that but, at what point do you not take a moment and BE Jana? I call time out. Sometimes the “I want, I need, I’m tired, leave me alone” means neglect of the self is becoming overwhelming. Even Jesus went up into the mountain to be alone. I’m not saying give in to all the things you want and let everyone else fall away but I AM saying take care of your temple, your body, your mind and your spirit too so there will be more bountiful things to be given. Nurture your heart and mind. God allows you to take a break from time to time to get to know yourself better and open your heart wider.

  3. I bet that writing this was cathartic in itself, huh? Good job voicing what so many of us feel!! You are right, sweetie, about the things that you (and all of us) must do – I’d just encourage you to lean on God and do it in HIS strength…He does promise that we can do ALL things through Christ who gives us the strength we need! I know that isn’t news to you :-) Sometimes, though, I think we all need to be remind of what we know :-) Love you and miss you so much, Jana! xoxo

I would love to hear from you!