fall’s reminder

 This post originally appeared at Finding Purpose in the Pain, where I am a contributing writer, on October 19, 2012.

 

 

It is my ritual every fall to bring fall colors and textures to my doorstep as we prepare for and welcome in the season.

Mums.

Pumpkins. 

Hay bales. 

Corn stalks.

I cover the front of my home with pretty things. Yet, I am aware of a heaviness, darkness lurking around the corner.

October 29 will mark ten years since my brother’s death.

Every fall, I am physically aware of this anniversary. I begin to feel the weight of it on my shoulders. My mood becomes more depressed and I find myself waiting, counting down the days until it will finally pass.

So, I dress up my home with pretty things, reminders of fall, in an effort to hide how I really feel.

Don’t we all do that? Pretend.

We put on a smile and pretend that we are not really struggling inside.

I found freedom the day I finally came clean about what was really going on inside. It took me almost 5 years after my brother’s death, to finally admit out loud that my appearance was deceiving everyone.

I may have looked like I had it all together,

but inside I was a mess.

I was enslaved by my facade of perfection. {With God’s help, I finally found the strength and ability to admit the true state of my spirit.}

I was so tired of pretending.

With fall comes a sting for me. This time of year reminds me of loss and grief. However, I am finding purpose in the reminder.

What I am reminded of now is His light, too. Over the last ten years Christ’s light has shown brighter and stronger with each passing year. Wounds of grief slowly healing. I still struggle with the facade of perfection, but His light is finding a path to my core.

Fall arrives this year as before, but I am beginning to see that it can serve as a reminder of something greater than my pain – His Sovereignty, Faithfulness, and Redemptive Power.

newly purposed,

jana

 

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