It is Friday again. Friday when I open my email anticipating the WORD Lisa-Jo Baker (dot) com has sent for me to reflect on and write about for 5 minutes.
No editing. No stopping. No interruptions.
5 minutes of simply tapping out my thoughts, watching them come alive on the page.
The word today has me sucking in my breath, just a bit. Afraid. Hmm…this is going to take me to my core of insecurities.
So, let me just say right now, thank you. Thank you for reading these quick, 5 minute Friday posts. I can’t say they are my best work, but I enjoy the discipline of writing uncensored (sort of). Today’s had me reaching into a black box in my soul that I often keep locked up tight. I am surprised by what came out.
I am afraid that I will disappoint you. Writing down words that flow from my fingers. But, I am still editing in my mind as they come out, afraid that I will offend, or disappoint, or betray.
Disappointing you, disappointing God, disappointing myself is my worst fear, though. Why is that? Why do I want to be liked so much, to be appreciated and loved just as I am. There is safety in your not really knowing me, only the part of me that I allow to escape. There is safety in newness – new church, new home, new neighborhood, new friends. Because they do not know me yet. The real me. The me that can disappoint. The me that can say things she doesn’t really mean, but that come out all wrong. The me that commits but then realizes she overcommits, so has to back out.
I am afraid that as you get to know me you will not like me anymore. I am messy inside. Wounded, fearful, angry at times. But I do love. And, I am learning to love more and more because I recognize that I am not the only one who feels this insecurity. If I seem secure and put together, it is God in me. Only He can take what is broken, mend it and make is beautiful once again. I don’t often feel beautiful. But, somehow, He makes himself shine through my cracks, my brokenness and my fear.
I feel my shoulders relaxing and find myself taking a deep breath. Yes, I may disappoint you. Yes, you may soon realize that I am not perfect at all. And I rest in Him no longer afraid…for now.