Five Minute Friday | AFRAID

It is Friday again. Friday when I open my email anticipating the WORD Lisa-Jo Baker (dot) com has sent for me to reflect on and write about for 5 minutes.

No editing. No stopping. No interruptions.

5 minutes of simply tapping out my thoughts, watching them come alive on the page.

The word today has me sucking in my breath, just a bit. Afraid. Hmm…this is going to take me to my core of insecurities.

So, let me just say right now, thank you. Thank you for reading these quick, 5 minute Friday posts. I can’t say they are my best work, but I enjoy the discipline of writing uncensored (sort of). Today’s had me reaching into a black box in my soul that I often keep locked up tight. I am surprised by what came out.

Red Gazebo

Afraid

GO.

I am afraid that I will disappoint you. Writing down words that flow from my fingers. But, I am still editing in my mind as they come out, afraid that I will offend, or disappoint, or betray.

Disappointing you, disappointing God, disappointing myself is my worst fear, though. Why is that? Why do I want to be liked so much, to be appreciated and loved just as I am. There is safety in your not really knowing me, only the part of me that I allow to escape. There is safety in newness – new church, new home, new neighborhood, new friends. Because they do not know me yet. The real me. The me that can disappoint. The me that can say things she doesn’t really mean, but that come out all wrong. The me that commits but then realizes she overcommits, so has to back out.

I am afraid that as you get to know me you will not like me anymore. I am messy inside. Wounded, fearful, angry at times. But I do love. And, I am learning to love more and more because I recognize that I am not the only one who feels this insecurity. If I seem secure and put together, it is God in me. Only He can take what is broken, mend it and make is beautiful once again. I don’t often feel beautiful. But, somehow, He makes himself shine through my cracks, my brokenness and my fear.

I feel my shoulders relaxing and find myself taking a deep breath. Yes, I may disappoint you. Yes, you may soon realize that I am not perfect at all. And I rest in Him no longer afraid…for now.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday

newly purposed,

jana

 

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10 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday | AFRAID

  1. Thank you for this honest post today.
    I used to feel this way-to want to fit in wherever I was. God helped me see that I am unique. Not everyone has to like me; those who do are the ones
    God wants in my life. It is enough for me.

    • Hi Teresa, You are welcome. Yes, I agree. I crave authentic relationship that goes beyond the surface. I put it all out there most of the time. I find it takes less energy to be who God made me rather than trying to pretend to be someone else. I love people who get that and want authentic relationship as well. Blessings to you. ~jana

  2. Jana,

    This is exactly what I have thought about my whole life but never tried to put into words.

    As a high school student I often dreamed of being able to reinvent myself…in a new school, with new expectations or no expectations. As a military spouse, I find the excitement of everything being new transforming into a feeling which stops me in my tracks as I realize that I am afraid that I will reveal too much, say the wrong thing, or offend the wrong person. The wall that I put up protects me, but also prevents God from being able to use me.

    The best thing about our constant relocation is that we are moving with people that love us as we are. Our husband and our kids don’t expect us to be perfect, and God doesn’t either. God uses our imperfection to reach out to others, connect to others, and guide them to Him. God doesn’t want us to fear things, and yet it can consume us and immobilize us. Where does the fear come from?

    Thank you for sharing with us what we all know about ourselves and yet we don’t feel like we can admit to others.

    Stephanie

    • Hi there Stephanie, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am always thinking about the benefits of living a military lifestyle. Yet, I wonder if this isn’t one of the pitfalls. I will often think that if things aren’t quite working out or friendships aren’t developing, oh well, another move is the on the horizon where I can start new again. This mindset allows me to avoid and escape commitment and sticking things out. But, I agree, the bonds we develop with our husbands and children run deep, so deep, as they should, learning to love one another through the thick and the thin as no one else can. Thank you for your friendship and constant support. With love, jana

  3. Wow, Jana. How honest this is. This spoke right to me today. I’ve been feeling the urge to move to a new place for this very reason. The safety in newness. Fear is such a struggle. Fear of being completely transparent. Fear of sharing the real self… and then I read this and remember we are all in this together. So happy to know you, Jana.

  4. Following you in FMF and thankful for it! You are soooo not alone!!! I too struggle with this not-wanting-to-disappoint, but I am learning how sweet this insecurity is- it causes me to fall at the feet of Jesus- to utterly and completely depend on Him! One of my favorite quotes of all time is an anonymous one. It says, “In our inadequacies, Christ is sufficient”.
    Thank you for sharing so honestly and so beautifully!! And remember, you are never alone!

I would love to hear from you!